Monday, April 20, 2009

Slacker Mommy

I have been slacking lately. Slacking with the blog, slacking with the home cooked meals, slacking with the housework and laundry. Heck, I am even slacking at work a bit. Ssshhh, dont' tell the bosses.

I have no idea what has gotten in to me. Maybe I am tired. Right now, I actually am tired since I had evil heartburn and a mad headache last night and didn't get to sleep until 3am. I feel like I am in a funk a little bit. Not mood wise. Yeah, there are days where I am a little whinier than other days and I don't mean to be like that. Just in a funk as far as getting stuff done. I am tired of doing stuff, but I guess that is what it means to be a Mom right? I started some meds a little over a week ago. Only for a month, but I think they are contributing to some of my lazy tendencies as of late. I really just want to sleep. And I get sleep, every night I get normally 6 hours of sleep.

Ricky boycotted a couple of my meals last week and since then, I just haven't really wanted to cook. And last Thursday, I put a pork roast in the crock pot and was so excited to have some poulled pork sammiches for dinner that night. I came home only to discover that my beautifully seasoned pork, it was raw. I put it in the crock, turned it on and left. Only I didn't plug it in. That was my sign that things were off. I seriously felt like a failure. My house was a disaster, my meal was ruined and my son, well we went to Red Robin for dinner. I'm sure Ricky much preferred his corn dog and cantaloupe to my pulled pork.

Sometimes I just feel like I don't do enough for him. I don't do enough enriching activities with him. I get home from work and like any other working mom, the nightly routine kicks in. Make dinner, feed kid, clean up kid, play with kid, bathe kid, put kid to bed, clean kitchen, do laundry, maybe watch some tv or get some quality time with Daddy then off to bed. Don't get me wrong, I am very lucky to have an amazing husband that has never once expected anything from me except to be there for him and our son. He has never expected dinner or a spotless home but these are things I feel the need to do, they are my responsibility as a wife and mother. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why must we feel the need to juggle so many things at once?

Ricky - I feel like he could use some more enrichment. He is a very active toddler. He doesn't want to sit on your lap and be read to, he doesn't want you to hold him just because you want to snuggle. He is very independent while we are outside and does NOT want to hold my hand. He is very much all boy and he has stuff to do so don't try to stop him. I don't know if he needs more enriching activities or if he needs more space to roam or what. I just feel like there is something else I could or should be doing for him, WITH him, but I don't know what that is. Something to help him developmentally. But at the same time I tell myself he is 13 mos old. He can run and kinda jump and loves to play and sometimes gives hugs and is a good eater - maybe he just doesn't care right now. I have his entire life to do those things for him, but isn't now the time for those building blocks of learning?

Sometimes I worry he is getting to be too much for my daycare provider. She seems concerned that he isn't snuggly. I really let this get to me last week and even worried about all sorts of sensory issues. That isn't the issue. He just wants to play and have fun. But so I worry, is he too much for her? Can she handle him? Should he be in a daycare center a couple days a week where there are more "activities" and he might be more stimulated? I know she works with him on some basic things, but still....I just can't help feeling this way, ya know. I know she works with the older kids on more preschool type stuff. I guess my biggest concern is that I don't want him to be too much for her and have her all of the sudden tell me this. Which would give me maybe 2-3 weeks to find something else. I hate being rushed in to decisions.

And this all brings me back to the slacker Mommy feeling I have had lately. Should I have a backup for daycare, should I be researching places, should I do more for my kid? What is that happy medium for a Mom who works FT outside of the home? Is there such a thing? If I were home, I would have other worries, right?

This parenting thing, dang, it's hard. And now, I'm tired from writing this post.


KM said...

Everyone has down times, it's a natural cycle of things. Don't beat yourself up too much. Ricky is so active and independent cause he knows you love him and will always be there. That is not a bad thing. He is giving himself the experiences in the world he craves right now and you are supporting him in that. You are doing the right stuff. :) I have no experience so you can take it from where it's coming from, but I think you are being a little harder on yourself than you need to be :) he's great, you're great and all will be ok in the end.

Beth said...

I hear you! By the way, I have *ALWAYS* been a slacker in the "wife" department -- I'm a TERRIBLE "housewife" -- seriously -- my husband usually ends up doing everything. I feel I am a good mom, though, but could be better. You just do the best you can do in the limited hours you have. I really try not to feel guilty about it -- there are so many hours in a day, ya know?

Adam is also very active and wasn't that cuddly around a year, either... he just wanted to run around and explore. He's been "cuddlier" more recently, I think it comes & goes. Ricky seems so happy in all his pictures (he's just the cutest). It's clear from your posts what a GREAT mom you are!!! :o) And, yes, it is THE HARDEST job in the world... with no "time off", ya know?!? :o) Hang in there!